Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize