he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
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