You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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