Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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