i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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