My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
