just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
