i would punch a child for taco bell
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
