We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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