This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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