its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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