if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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