our cab driver is having phone sex.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
of course. lets lasso hookers.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
