Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Randomize
