I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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