Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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