someone threw a dead crab at me
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
