I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
