Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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