just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize