what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
