I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
