Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
