I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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