I'm drive I can fine osifer
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
