so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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