You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
