Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize