So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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