That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
