I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Randomize
