sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
