why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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