My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
And the cops told us we were all naked.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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