So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i would punch a child for taco bell
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
