I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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