i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
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