Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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