I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
