I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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