it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
