So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
