my phone needs a breathalizer
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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