nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize