so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
