sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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