I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize