We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
