Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
My legs feel like baby dolphins
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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