I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize