Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
