I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
