I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
