I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
