her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
