I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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