If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
