he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
