"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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